Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Titanic 1912

On April 15, 1912 the Titanic sank in the North Atlantic causing the deaths of 1,514 people in one of the deadliest peacetime maritime tragedies in history. She was the largest ship afloat at the time of her maiden voyage...... Below is a tribute to that event from the point of view of two young lovers---

Monday, June 27, 2011

Killing Jean Claude Van Damme




Assassinating Jean Claude Van Damme must be awfully frustrating. Killing a man who can perform a full leg split anywhere and at any time .....



poses quite the challenge for the hit man.





Imagine the hit man explaining the failed attempt to his mob boss.

Mob boss ---" So did you kill him ?"


Hitman---" Uhhhh..no ".

Mob boss---" Why not ?..what happened ?.......Did you shoot his legs out from under him like I told you ?"


Hitman---"Well I did shoot directly beneath his waistline ........yet I hit nothing !"


Mob boss---" What do you mean you hit nothing ?....Did he dart out of the room ?"


Hitman --- "No, he remained in front of me.........smiling."

Mob boss---" How could he still be in front of you and at the same time have not one bullet in either leg ? ....Where the sam hill were his legs ?"

Hitman ----" His legs were on the counter."



Mob boss ---" So what did you do next ?"

Hitman ---" I left."

Mob Boss---" Why did you leave ?"

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Hitman ---" I was impressed."

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Light Travel

Most Sci-Fi flics treat the idea of traveling the speed of light (or faster) as something rather ordinary, spaceships traveling in and out of light speed as easily as our cars darting through traffic.
However,when the concept of light speed travel is discussed in any classroom or academic setting with real physicists, it's completely dismissed as impossible and downright outlandish.

Physicists generally state the following as their reason :

Because E=mc sq, as a ship approaches light speed, it's mass would increase which would require more energy or fuel to accelerate the ship. As the mass increases to infinity , there will never be enough fuel to power the vehicle over the threshold of light speed. Add to that the minor detail of time slowing down as one approaches the speed of light, so that even if there was an infinite fuel supply, there will never be enough time to get the ship up to speed.

Not only do i think these physicists are wrong, but i think man is capable of traveling many times the speed of light. My reasons for this are neither mathematical or scientific. I base my conclusions on an experience i had in grade school. I was presented with a math problem in the 3rd grade. Although all the details of the problem are unclear to me today, i remember that after a few minutes of calculations my answer was ....... ' Ted's train arrived at the station 5 hours before it left.'.... The answer was absurd so i reworked it.........Same answer. I reworked it again and again...Same answer. I finally concluded to myself that the the math problem was unsolvable, that if Sue and Ted left home at 5:00pm on a train traveling 50 miles per hour, they would never arrive at their destination......... After the teacher introduced me to a brand new field of mathematics, i easily solved the problem.

When it comes to our physical world , i believe that conventional mathematics works fine up till a certain point. Once we begin to speed things up beyond 50,000 miles per hour, math gets a little peculiar. The faster we go after that, standard mathematical models fall apart at the seams. Eventually physicists when wrestling with light speed travel, become like me in the 3rd grade. They come up with absurd answers, rework the problem again and again, and finally conclude that light travel is impossible, essentially their version of .. ' Ted's train arrived at the station 5 hours before it left.'...The only difference is that there has not yet appeared a teacher to introduce these scientists to a new field of mathematics, one that is compatible to the world of light speed, mass and energy. The day mankind discovers this 'New Math', the conundrum of traveling light speed or many times it, will unravel quite easily.

Before 1940, it was thought that traveling beyond the speed of sound would be either impossible or catastrophic to the traveler, hence the name 'sound BARRIER'. ...However, technology improved till finally a Bell XS-1 was able to scale the sound barrier with Chuck Yeager at the helm, and the only catastrophic event was a large 'POP' sound once Chuck got on the other side of 750 miles per hour....

From impossible to accomplish to ...it can be done but with a brief popping sound .

I therefore conclude that traveling beyond the light BARRIER may be much easier than we think once we
1. improve our technology
2. discover a 'New math'
....and I wouldn't be surprised that once a spacecraft crosses that barrier there will be some equivalent of a popping sound ( although there's no sound in space).



Until then , I'm placing a Help Wanted ad--
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........................................... Help Wanted--Teacher who's great at math...............................................

Thursday, January 06, 2011

The Homeless Phenom

I was looking at TV yesterday and an amazing story unfolded. ........It was about a homeless man with a phenomenal set of speaking pipes. At first I refused to accept it, especially after looking at the man in question.


He looked to me like an overly tanned Don Imus,.......like a werewolf in mid transformation.


But then the man, Ted Williams, opened his pie hole and sounded like James Earl Jones with a side of Barack Obama ......a combo of Tony the Tiger and the 'LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE' guy....Needless to say a voice of a god...small 'g'.

I turned to my wife and said," Boy I sure hope the poor homeless schmuck gets a job with that voice."...
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----------------------------------ONE DAY LATER-----------------------------------
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The very next day I find out that Ted Williams received job offers from numerous Fortune 500 companies, sports franchises, on and on and on......to the point that he was even offered a home to live in....That's correct.The man went from homeless to home less a mortgage. Ted Williams in one day passed me by on the successo meter.

Now if you're thinking that I'm slightly jealous, you couldn't be more wrong.......I'm insanely jealous.

When I told my wife that I hope he gets a job, I meant that I hope that he gets a job that pays less than my job....I wanted him to improve in his lot in life, but I didn't want that lot to be bigger than mine.
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Homeless people are like midgets. I want midgets to be tall...but not taller than me....Likewise I want homeless folks to be successful, but NOT MORE THAN ME.... By the way, could you imagine a midget that suddenly grows and dominates you ?......


I have a strange feeling that Ted Williams right now is making comments about me, hoping that I someday will get a decent job.



From now on this will be my standard reaction to any homeless person I see.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Shirley Sherrod V. Andrew Breitbart

Last week proved to be one of the most emotional , racially charged and polarizing weeks in quite some time. It was Shirley Sherrod, the USDA official in Georgia vs. Andrew Breitbart vs. NAACP vs. Fox News vs. Obama vs. the white community vs. the black community.

BigGovernment.com posted a video excerpt from Sherrod's speech at an NAACP banquet, an excerpt that appeared to reveal Shirley Sherrod as a practicing racist. In reality, when seen in context, it was a story of personal transformation.

However, this whole debacle was a result of one thing:

A wordy speech filled with conflicting thoughts that can be interpreted different ways depending on how deep into it one chooses to read.
This can be seen from Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsac's ever changing responses. Consider the Timeline:

Day 1
Vilsac discovers a portion in Sherrod's speech where she states concerning a white farmer who came to her for help ,"So, I didn't give him the full force of what I could do."
Vilsac accepts her resignation stating a zero-tolerance policy for that sort of thing.
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Day 2
Vilsac discovers a line exonerating her in the speech that says ,"Well, working with him made me see that it's really about those who have versus those who don't, you know."....He offers her job back.
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Day 3
Vilsac uncovers audio where she says under her breath," ...but I will always hate these white crackers..."........He fires her.
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Day 4
Vilsac finds that upon further investigation into the audio she really said ..." but I will always EAT these Ritz crackers..." ...He offers her job back.
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Day 5
Vilsac discovers that Sherrod has a rare condition called racial dyslexia and that when she said "working with him made me see that it's really about those who have versus those who don't, you know." '.....She really meant to say "working with him made me see that it's really about those who are white versus those who are black, you know." ......He fires her.
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Day 6
Vilsac discovers that the entire setting of the event was a celebrity roast and that everything said was one huge jokey joke, and that her speech was actually written by Don Rickles..... He offers her job back.

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At this point in time Shirley Sherrod has her Job, but there are still portions of the speech that when played backwards may reveal her true position on race relations




Friday, November 27, 2009

Security Breach at the White House

Yesterday, a couple penetrated layers of security to enter in and basically crash a State Dinner at the White House . The couple, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, met President Obama in the receiving line.


The fact that he once again bowed........well that's another story.


The U.S. Secret Service who are obviously embarrassed by the shenanigans will conduct a full investigation of what happened. Secret Service director Mark Sullivan said ,"The Secret Service is deeply concerned and embarrassed by the circumstances surrounding the State Dinner on Tuesday, November 24." .............. In other words, "Someone's head will roll and it won't be mine.".

Meanwhile President Obama in a dramatic move decided to exact revenge against the wily party crashing couple.... Below is a scene shot by hidden cameras located in the Master bedroom of that couple's residence. It was taken later on that evening---
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Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Progressive Lady

I hate that Progressive insurance commercial. ...The one with that obnoxious woman who walks around telling everybody to compare insurance. She looks a little like Angelina Jolie .In fact, picture Angelina Jolie without the nice hair, face, lips and overall beauty . .....Is it not the Progressive lady ?

Why would they use her as the company mascot ? When you look at her, do you think 'progress' ?

I saw a commercial the other day and I was able to with help from very sophisticated mind reading and thought bubble technologies, obtain the actual interaction between a gentleman and 'The Progressive Lady'. See below :

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Don't mess with Mike Tyson







Today I heard that an extremely angry Mike Tyson.....




punched some paparazzi character at The LAX airport .
Evidently Tony Echevarria , a photographer got too close to the ex champ at the ticket counter. So close that Mike punched him , an act that Mr. Tyson claimed was out of self-defense.


Below is rare never seen before footage of the man who was punched.
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Reportedly, Siegfried and Roy responded to the fracas by sicking their tiger Montecore on the enraged Tyson. ...It didn't go too well.

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The photographer and the lion were sent to a nearby hospital. The man's teeth has been restored. Montecore is now earless.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Are you pregnant ?

http://gostandup.com

A few years ago as I was walking through the mall, I bumped into an old friend. It was a woman and she appeared to be pregnant . I said to her ," Hey Susie, congratulations on your pregnancy !!".

She then said to me something that made my blood run cold. She said ," I'm not pregnant, I just gained a few pounds you insensitive.... !!". My look of shock and embarrassment was the same as John McCain's when Sarah Palin uttered her first words :
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From then on whenever I saw a young woman with a distended belly and an uncharacteristically large midsection, I would just assume that she gained weight or ate a basketball for lunch. In either case I kept my thoughts inside. I would be more careful and discerning asking the pregnancy question.

Last month I decided to take another stab at asking a woman whether she's with child. I was smart though and waited till there was a 100% chance that there was a pregnancy.I waited and waited....and waited.. Till ALAS !! ..I found a truly pregnant woman....or at least that's what I thought ........The victim was at a baby shower and H-U-G-E ! All the gifts had her name on them. I busted into the room, walked up to Tracy ( the woman in question ) and said , " So Tracy, surely you must be pregnant ! Well.... are you ?". ...She said ," This is a baby Einstein shower. I just patented a new line of accessories and Amazon.com is throwing a party for me in my honor !!..This is my normal stomach. I gained a few pounds you insensitive...... !".
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After that altercation, I decided to wait even further into an apparent pregnancy to ask the loaded question. I would somehow gain access to the delivery room and ask during labor. Surely I could not go wrong ! Surely that would be the right question to ask the right person ! .....Right ?....Right ...... Take a look at what happened to me earlier today :
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From now on I'll wait till the birth actually happens then ask the question 18 years later.

Monday, May 04, 2009

I saw 'X-Men Origins - Wolverine' over the weekend . It was a good movie. Watching 'Wolverine' was like watching 'Edward Scissorhands on Red Bull' . In fact I heard that when the role of Wolverine was pitched to Hugh Jackman, they explained ,----

" Imagine having the scissors of Johnny Depp dipped into adamantium alloy and then attached to a very angry man who heals well and has an affinity for muscle t-shirts and motorcycles."

Superhero movies are great and contain valuable lessons that I have learned when it comes to dealings with my fellow humans. For example, let's consider how one deals with brilliant scientists for a moment.

Every superhero movie has that one scene where the 'brilliant scientist' is confronted by the Military General who is somewhat dissapointed in the results of the scientists' experiments. The General who, alone in the lab with the scientist(bad move), inevitably has the following conversation ----

Military General--" That's enough !! We've given you ample time to perfect the super soldier elixer...and look what happens.....DISASTER !!! ...... You're finished[ insert name] ! ...I'm cutting off all funding for this program.

Scientist --" No please [ insert name] !! I need more time !!...... I just need the final catalyst and the serum will be complete !!....... C'mon [insert name]....we made a deal !"

Military General-- "No !!!!---- I'M SHUTTING YOU DOWN !!!"

We all know what usually happens after that. ...That's correct, the scientists pushes the General into a vat of boiling acid that happens to be there for such occasions. He then injects the 'yet unfinished serum that's not quite done ' into himself..... and turns into a mad scientist with super strength etc..etc...

Lesson learned ---- Never announce that you're pulling the plug on scientific research IN FRONT OF THE BRILLIANT SCIENTIST ! ...... Simply cancel the direct deposit at a safe distance.

Friday, February 13, 2009



With the economy tanking the way it is, it was refreshing to hear an inspirational story of courage and calm amidst extraordinary circumstances.

I'm referring to the miracle landing of US Airway 1549 on the Hudson river. Captain 'Sully' in heroic fashion saved all 155 members aboard the ill fated flight.

Much has been written about how this former fighter pilot displayed iron will along with ice cool composure while undertaking the incredible task of setting down tons of hardware and valuable lives precariously in the Hudson River.

While I'd love nothing more than to see heroes remain heroes, and while I'm more than willing to see Captain 'Sullys' story grow into a legend for the ages, I was able to obtain a rare photo of Mr. Sully moments after realizing that he was piloting a dead stick. What I'm about to show you took place in between the time he realized the problem and executed the solution. There was a 2 minute section of the flight recorder that was unaccounted for, a period of time that tertiary reports suggest he went to the rest room.

Here's the photo........ you make your own conclusions :
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Friday, November 07, 2008



This is a brief observation.

Tuesday night was a historic night not because it showcased the first African-American to be elected as President, but because of the ridiculous behavior of Oprah Winfrey. She was leaning on some guy while Stedman,her loyal boyfriend, stood only inches a way.

That raised a few questions, but the burning question on my mind was : How did this unknown man develop such powerful shoulders ? With an Oprah on one's shoulder.....one can ONLY lean left !!!

What about Stedman ? ..... How do you think he felt about this betrayal ? The video footage was quite interesting. Behold :

The camera doesn't reveal everything. I was able to obtain a photo of the very same scene, this time just a mere 8 inches higher. Behold :



The thought bubble and comment were added by Jessie Jackson.




Sunday, August 31, 2008



http://www.gostandup.com



I hate to do this but I feel compelled to make some observations on this crazy presidential race.



(THE UNCANNY COMIC IS NEUTRAL TO ANY AND ALL POLITICAL MATTERS AND SO IS ABLE TO STAND OUTSIDE THE REALM OF THE POLITICAL ARENA, AND WITH HIS UNCANNY COMEDIC VISION, ........ uh....poke fun.)



Last week was the Democratic National Convention, an event that had less total brain activity than 'Night of the Living Dead'.

We saw Ded...(err)... Ted Kennedy give a speech, Hillary pontificate, Al Gore exhale greenhouse gases and Bill Clinton hand the baton off to Obama........ one former black president to another potential black president.

Hillary was amazing... considering she had the weight of 18 million women on her mind.



Bill had 18 million women on his mind also. .....Unfortunately, they were a completely different looking 18 million women.



The entire event, which was a smashing success, was finally capped off with a moving speech by Obama. Over 30 million viewers tuned in to the spectacle. The momentum shift of positive public opinion was clearly heading towards Obama.........until



in a brilliant stroke of genius ,McCain punctures the air out of the whole Obama Hindenburg and announces the very next day that he has chosen a female V.P. ........ Sarah Palin.

According to sources deep inside the McCain camp, the decision to select her was an intense and agonizing decision. ...... McCain said something like this,




" Quick , we need a black person on this ticket !!!! ....... No, no... that'll look too obvious !! .... Hey staff , get out your U.M.B's ( Undervalued Minority Brochures), find me an equivalent under- appreciated minority that'll offset the impact of a tall skinny good looking African American !! ....... What ?!! .. you found a tribe of freckled Navajo indians ?!


"...... NO..that's just ridiculous !!.... What else ?!.... A 600 pound anorexic ?! ..... "


"NO....too specific !! ....... "

"Excellent ... a woman !! ....... Someone fetch me a detailed report of all the qualified republican woman who can fill the position of the 2nd highest office in the free world !! .... Wow Dick Morris, that was fast ! .... Let me see the document !!"






"This is more than ever asked.. THANKS !!!"

"I'll take 2nd row, 3rd from the left."




Obama now sensing that this recent maneuver by McCain will turn the tides of public opinion, does what only he can. .... He summons the natural forces of the planet, and with his hand outstretched.......
gathers the winds from the 4 corners of the earth into .....HURRICANE GUSTOV!!!..... timing it perfectly to land at the exact location where the Bush administration dropped the ball ... New Orleans, AND at the beginning of the RNC .... ........ In one fell swoop reminding the nation of Bush's gross failure while taking the national spotlight away from the RNC festivities !

But wait !! ...This is not over !! McCain is ticked!!





McCain in a risky maneuver plans to give his acceptance at New Orleans, and has built a specially designed floating stage to do so. .... He said ," I will follow this hurricane to the gates of hell if necessary !!"

Friday, August 15, 2008

http://www.gostandup.com
The Nathan's Hot dog Eating Competition was one thing. The 2008 Beijing Olympics was quite another.
I was impressed by the opening ceremonies. The precision, the unity,the synchronization........ It was the most horrific thing I ever saw. The combination of spectacular beauty and military style discipline was a little disturbing. It was like looking at a parade of gay perfectionists.......whatever that means.

Like many things in life, things aren't what they appear to be. ..Much to my chagrin, it was brought to my attention that the whole event was enhanced and manipulated digitally.

In other words ...this
was really ...this:


My uneasy feeling that any participant in the choreographed affair who made the slightest error was punished with the greatest severity, was confirmed when I learned that this sweet little girl :


who stepped 3 and a half inches out of line, was later seen here :

....doing hard time.

This however is not the real reason why I'm blogging today. I have thoughts on Michael Phelps.

His performance during the swimming events was quite amazing! I've never seen a swimming machine quite like that before........... that is until .....................

until I heard about his unusual physique. I heard that his 6' 7" wingspan is longer than his 6'4" height. He has disproportionately short legs, size 14 feet and double-jointed ankles...... basically a stingray with huge ears. ......

I'm not AS impressed now! I don't think anyone would have a chance racing against someone that looks like this :