Security Breach at the White House

Yesterday, a couple penetrated layers of security to enter in and basically crash a State Dinner at the White House . The couple, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, met President Obama in the receiving line.


The fact that he once again bowed........well that's another story.


The U.S. Secret Service who are obviously embarrassed by the shenanigans will conduct a full investigation of what happened. Secret Service director Mark Sullivan said ,"The Secret Service is deeply concerned and embarrassed by the circumstances surrounding the State Dinner on Tuesday, November 24." .............. In other words, "Someone's head will roll and it won't be mine.".

Meanwhile President Obama in a dramatic move decided to exact revenge against the wily party crashing couple.... Below is a scene shot by hidden cameras located in the Master bedroom of that couple's residence. It was taken later on that evening---
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The Progressive Lady

I hate that Progressive insurance commercial. ...The one with that obnoxious woman who walks around telling everybody to compare insurance. She looks a little like Angelina Jolie .In fact, picture Angelina Jolie without the nice hair, face, lips and overall beauty . .....Is it not the Progressive lady ?

Why would they use her as the company mascot ? When you look at her, do you think 'progress' ?

I saw a commercial the other day and I was able to with help from very sophisticated mind reading and thought bubble technologies, obtain the actual interaction between a gentleman and 'The Progressive Lady'. See below :

Don't mess with Mike Tyson

Today I heard that an extremely angry Mike Tyson.....




punched some paparazzi character at The LAX airport .
Evidently Tony Echevarria , a photographer got too close to the ex champ at the ticket counter. So close that Mike punched him , an act that Mr. Tyson claimed was out of self-defense.


Below is rare never seen before footage of the man who was punched.
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Reportedly, Siegfried and Roy responded to the fracas by sicking their tiger Montecore on the enraged Tyson. ...It didn't go too well.

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The photographer and the lion were sent to a nearby hospital. The man's teeth has been restored. Montecore is now earless.

Are you pregnant ?

http://gostandup.com

A few years ago as I was walking through the mall, I bumped into an old friend. It was a woman and she appeared to be pregnant . I said to her ," Hey Susie, congratulations on your pregnancy !!".

She then said to me something that made my blood run cold. She said ," I'm not pregnant, I just gained a few pounds you insensitive.... !!". My look of shock and embarrassment was the same as John McCain's when Sarah Palin uttered her first words :
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From then on whenever I saw a young woman with a distended belly and an uncharacteristically large midsection, I would just assume that she gained weight or ate a basketball for lunch. In either case I kept my thoughts inside. I would be more careful and discerning asking the pregnancy question.

Last month I decided to take another stab at asking a woman whether she's with child. I was smart though and waited till there was a 100% chance that there was a pregnancy.I waited and waited....and waited.. Till ALAS !! ..I found a truly pregnant woman....or at least that's what I thought ........The victim was at a baby shower and H-U-G-E ! All the gifts had her name on them. I busted into the room, walked up to Tracy ( the woman in question ) and said , " So Tracy, surely you must be pregnant ! Well.... are you ?". ...She said ," This is a baby Einstein shower. I just patented a new line of accessories and Amazon.com is throwing a party for me in my honor !!..This is my normal stomach. I gained a few pounds you insensitive...... !".
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After that altercation, I decided to wait even further into an apparent pregnancy to ask the loaded question. I would somehow gain access to the delivery room and ask during labor. Surely I could not go wrong ! Surely that would be the right question to ask the right person ! .....Right ?....Right ...... Take a look at what happened to me earlier today :
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From now on I'll wait till the birth actually happens then ask the question 18 years later.

I saw 'X-Men Origins - Wolverine' over the weekend . It was a good movie. Watching 'Wolverine' was like watching 'Edward Scissorhands on Red Bull' . In fact I heard that when the role of Wolverine was pitched to Hugh Jackman, they explained ,----

" Imagine having the scissors of Johnny Depp dipped into adamantium alloy and then attached to a very angry man who heals well and has an affinity for muscle t-shirts and motorcycles."

Superhero movies are great and contain valuable lessons that I have learned when it comes to dealings with my fellow humans. For example, let's consider how one deals with brilliant scientists for a moment.

Every superhero movie has that one scene where the 'brilliant scientist' is confronted by the Military General who is somewhat dissapointed in the results of the scientists' experiments. The General who, alone in the lab with the scientist(bad move), inevitably has the following conversation ----

Military General--" That's enough !! We've given you ample time to perfect the super soldier elixer...and look what happens.....DISASTER !!! ...... You're finished[ insert name] ! ...I'm cutting off all funding for this program.

Scientist --" No please [ insert name] !! I need more time !!...... I just need the final catalyst and the serum will be complete !!....... C'mon [insert name]....we made a deal !"

Military General-- "No !!!!---- I'M SHUTTING YOU DOWN !!!"

We all know what usually happens after that. ...That's correct, the scientists pushes the General into a vat of boiling acid that happens to be there for such occasions. He then injects the 'yet unfinished serum that's not quite done ' into himself..... and turns into a mad scientist with super strength etc..etc...

Lesson learned ---- Never announce that you're pulling the plug on scientific research IN FRONT OF THE BRILLIANT SCIENTIST ! ...... Simply cancel the direct deposit at a safe distance.

With the economy tanking the way it is, it was refreshing to hear an inspirational story of courage and calm amidst extraordinary circumstances.

I'm referring to the miracle landing of US Airway 1549 on the Hudson river. Captain 'Sully' in heroic fashion saved all 155 members aboard the ill fated flight.

Much has been written about how this former fighter pilot displayed iron will along with ice cool composure while undertaking the incredible task of setting down tons of hardware and valuable lives precariously in the Hudson River.

While I'd love nothing more than to see heroes remain heroes, and while I'm more than willing to see Captain 'Sullys' story grow into a legend for the ages, I was able to obtain a rare photo of Mr. Sully moments after realizing that he was piloting a dead stick. What I'm about to show you took place in between the time he realized the problem and executed the solution. There was a 2 minute section of the flight recorder that was unaccounted for, a period of time that tertiary reports suggest he went to the rest room.

Here's the photo........ you make your own conclusions :
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