Today I took a break from the 'physical fitness' pursuit. ..... I decided that I needed to view people who lived on the other end of a healthy lifestyle.......... I watched live footage of the 2008 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition.

These are a bunch of folks who decided that not only are they going to embrace a diet rich in carbs and saturated fats, ........ but will in fact make a sport out of it. After all, why be a healthy nobody when you can be a famous food eating fiend, a pie eating professor, a dog eating 'Don', a gastrointestinal genius?!

That being said, this year's competition had all the drama and intrigue of any great sporting event ! ...The defending champion Joey Chestnut versus Takeru Kobayashi.

For nearly 6 years the mere 110lb. Kobayashi absolutely owned the event , eating 50 to 60 hot dogs in 12 minutes... an accomplishment that Oprah has called ....... "just an ordinary brunch for me!" ..... Although when Oprah does it, her buns are 3 times the size. ........ You can interpret that ANY way you want.

The event lived up to all the the hype. .... It was virtually neck and neck all the way to the end, even going in to overtime. ......

Joey Chestnut prevailed---- 59 hot dogs in regulation and 5 dogs in OT.
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( It's strange how they call the initial 10 minute period ...'REGULATION'...... Why one would call 10 minutes of wanton , meat squirting, bread and saliva oozing, flotsam and jetsam squirting, gluttony, 'REGULATION' is beyond me.)

The post game interviews were quite interesting. It went something like this :

Reporter : So Kobayashi, what went wrong ?

Kobayashi :

Reporter : Joey, Take us moment by moment, second by second through your incredible performance.

Joey :



I think next year I will enter the 2009 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition. Let me go practice:

http://gostandup.com/

Since the whole ' I'll work out at the gym ' idea didn't work, I decided to get a home gym.

I bought as my first item ..'The Gazelle'... from some guy named Tony Little.

That was a huge mistake ! ........ This was not the calorie burning machine that I expected. It was more like a leg swing,...... a thigh hammock, .... a 'restless leg syndrome' come to life.

Winking burned more calories that this piece of junk ! ..... I tried to figure out what this machine prepared me for in a real life situation. .. For example the 'heavy bag' trains one to defend oneself. ... The ' row machine ' trains one to escape an assailant much more quickly in a row boat. .... The 'bench press' prepares one to lift a Geo Metro and change the tire.

.. All those are no brainers !! ..........What does 'The Gazelle' train one for ???

That's it !!...... Fleeing from Stephen Hawking in zero gravity!!!

Needless to say I returned 'The Gazelle'.

On my way home, I dangled my arms out of my car window while going 60...

After all, who needs 'The Gazelle' when you can get the same workout.

When you live in an Italian family, one must out of necessity engage in some type of physical activity, exercise to counteract the prodigious caloric intake. ..... Last week I joined a health club. It was an experience I'll never forget. ....................................................................................................

My first day, I walk in and this neckless 5 foot 2 guy walks up to me

and the following conversation ensued :

necklessmuscleguy : "Hey, what are you workin' on?"

me : "My low self-esteem . I'm hoping that big muscles will compensate for my weak mind and poor self image. My goal is to develop the same body dysmorphic disorder as you clearly have. ......................................... What are you workin' on ?"

necklessmuscleguy :" Wha..??"

(We walked over to the bench)

necklessmuscleguy : " Can you spot me ?"

me : " Sure, how can I miss a roided up acne stricken sweat ball like you?!"

necklessmuscleguy :" Wha..??"

( 10 minutes later )

necklessmuscleguy : " Hey, what does dysmorphic mean ?"

me :" Dere's more fake jewelry in the malls than one would realize."

necklessmuscleguy : " Oh ...... so how did you get those huge calves?"

me : " Easy ! ..... Running away from men who stare at my legs !!"

I walked up to her, looked her dead in the eye and said, " Stop !!!!" ...... Later that evening she gave me 4 spoonfuls of baked Ziti too much. .... I knew I was on to something. Normally she pounds out 7 to 8 extra servings. ......... I caught her early, but not early enough.
I experimented. The next evening, as soon as she said ," Time a too a eata !".... I said, "Stop !!!!" ........... She gave me 2 spoonfuls too much. The following morning I woke up at 4 a.m. ,walked into her bedroom, woke her up and yelled, "Stop !!!!".

...... That evening she served me the correct amount of Ziti. .......... She then gave me 47 meatballs! ..... SHE'S NOT FROM THIS WORLD!!!!

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This is why I need to get rid of weight. ......... Did you notice I didn't say ...'lose weight'?..... I never understood why people say they want to 'lose weight'. Usually when we lose stuff, we want to find it again. People who experience weight loss hate me because I take them for their word. ....The other day this lady said to me, " Hey Uncanny Comic, I just lost 50 pounds! What do you think about that ?!" ..... I said, " why don't you just go to Krispy Kremes. Maybe they'll reimburse you !". ............ It worked. She never lost weight again.

I was only moderately hungry, certainly not up to the daunting task of shoving huge quantities of pasta down my throat. So I needed to plan my next moves very carefully...... This woman was good! She was a food serving god who had decades of experience. She was highly skilled at turning mortal men into morbidly obese dough boys. ............ It was amazing to watch her serve food. ....... Usually the term 'Zone' applies to elite athletes, but grandma often entered the zone when it came to meal serving. ...The other day I swear I could see her tongue hanging out as she served my uncle Tony. .............................................................................................................................................
( Every Italian family has an uncle Tony or Antony. It's predetermined. Every fifth Italian pregnancy yields a Tony. Italians have x chromosomes, y chromosomes, and forgetaboutit chromosomes. You know when an Italian woman is pregnant with a Tony.... she craves fuzzy dice ice cream.)
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Her tongue hung out like Michael Jordan during one his 50 pt. performances when he was in that zone.

Today we were all in the den watching TV. We were watching Animal Planet's "When Elephants Attack !" As I'm sitting there I can smell the spectacular aromas radiating from the kitchen. This was going to be yet another food filled frenzy of over sized portions that any glutton would be proud of. As I'm sitting there, I'm staring at my grandma trying to figure her out. What's wrong with this woman ?Why does she over serve food with such wanton disregard ? Was it her hearing ? Was her head misshapened due to some brain defect that controls hand eye function ? Nothing ! I found no anomaly in her whatsoever, except for a few excessive hairs on her upper lip. Well maybe it was more than just a few hairs. Okay, it was a mustache ! Other than that, everything checked out normal.

"What do you think about the show Grandma?

" I hate it !"

"Why ?"

" Poora elephants, they needa to leave the elephants alone."

" What do you mean poor elephants ? They're attacking people !"

" That'sa because they're hungry ! Look at them ! Looka at how skinny they are... They need a gooda meal !

It was then that I figured her out. If she thinks elephants need to gain weight, she must think that hippos are anorexic. What would happen if she saw Paris Hilton ? She might use her as a razor to shave her hairy legs. ( I forgot, along with the mustache she had so much hair on her legs that she had to relax them into gerry curls in order to cut them.)

I have no chance.
She turned off the TV, stood in the middle of the den, and said with her game face, " Time a too a eata !".

I'm going to visit my Italian grandma today. I'm looking forward to the great 20 course banquet she always prepares.

She calls it brunch. She has an obtuse perception of food............ I once showed her a foot long sub..................... She stuck a toothpick in it and called it a finger sandwich.......................
Going over her house is always stressful because of the huge portions she dishes out. She has what I call "heavy hands". Every time she dishes out some bake ziti onto my plate she says." Tell me when to stop."............ Whenever I say ," Stop.", she continues to dish out 7 to 8 more spoonfuls............... Why does she even ask me ? It's as though she's merely asking for a suggestion. She should just ask, " Tell me when I'll stop whenever the hell I wanna stop !!!" .............How do I get this woman to quit dishing out ziti in time ? .................When she says,"Tell me when to stop.", should I back hand her and say, " Stop!!"?.....I tried that once. .......... To this day I'm finding baked ziti in some strange ...and wonderful places on my body.....

Again, the question---
How early do I need tell her to "Stop" ?.................... That's the burning question that I will tackle during my week long visit with "the heavy handed Italian grandma with the uncontrollable serving response".