Security Breach at the White House

Yesterday, a couple penetrated layers of security to enter in and basically crash a State Dinner at the White House . The couple, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, met President Obama in the receiving line.


The fact that he once again bowed........well that's another story.


The U.S. Secret Service who are obviously embarrassed by the shenanigans will conduct a full investigation of what happened. Secret Service director Mark Sullivan said ,"The Secret Service is deeply concerned and embarrassed by the circumstances surrounding the State Dinner on Tuesday, November 24." .............. In other words, "Someone's head will roll and it won't be mine.".

Meanwhile President Obama in a dramatic move decided to exact revenge against the wily party crashing couple.... Below is a scene shot by hidden cameras located in the Master bedroom of that couple's residence. It was taken later on that evening---
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The Progressive Lady

I hate that Progressive insurance commercial. ...The one with that obnoxious woman who walks around telling everybody to compare insurance. She looks a little like Angelina Jolie .In fact, picture Angelina Jolie without the nice hair, face, lips and overall beauty . .....Is it not the Progressive lady ?

Why would they use her as the company mascot ? When you look at her, do you think 'progress' ?

I saw a commercial the other day and I was able to with help from very sophisticated mind reading and thought bubble technologies, obtain the actual interaction between a gentleman and 'The Progressive Lady'. See below :

Don't mess with Mike Tyson

Today I heard that an extremely angry Mike Tyson.....




punched some paparazzi character at The LAX airport .
Evidently Tony Echevarria , a photographer got too close to the ex champ at the ticket counter. So close that Mike punched him , an act that Mr. Tyson claimed was out of self-defense.


Below is rare never seen before footage of the man who was punched.
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Reportedly, Siegfried and Roy responded to the fracas by sicking their tiger Montecore on the enraged Tyson. ...It didn't go too well.

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The photographer and the lion were sent to a nearby hospital. The man's teeth has been restored. Montecore is now earless.

Are you pregnant ?

http://gostandup.com

A few years ago as I was walking through the mall, I bumped into an old friend. It was a woman and she appeared to be pregnant . I said to her ," Hey Susie, congratulations on your pregnancy !!".

She then said to me something that made my blood run cold. She said ," I'm not pregnant, I just gained a few pounds you insensitive.... !!". My look of shock and embarrassment was the same as John McCain's when Sarah Palin uttered her first words :
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From then on whenever I saw a young woman with a distended belly and an uncharacteristically large midsection, I would just assume that she gained weight or ate a basketball for lunch. In either case I kept my thoughts inside. I would be more careful and discerning asking the pregnancy question.

Last month I decided to take another stab at asking a woman whether she's with child. I was smart though and waited till there was a 100% chance that there was a pregnancy.I waited and waited....and waited.. Till ALAS !! ..I found a truly pregnant woman....or at least that's what I thought ........The victim was at a baby shower and H-U-G-E ! All the gifts had her name on them. I busted into the room, walked up to Tracy ( the woman in question ) and said , " So Tracy, surely you must be pregnant ! Well.... are you ?". ...She said ," This is a baby Einstein shower. I just patented a new line of accessories and Amazon.com is throwing a party for me in my honor !!..This is my normal stomach. I gained a few pounds you insensitive...... !".
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After that altercation, I decided to wait even further into an apparent pregnancy to ask the loaded question. I would somehow gain access to the delivery room and ask during labor. Surely I could not go wrong ! Surely that would be the right question to ask the right person ! .....Right ?....Right ...... Take a look at what happened to me earlier today :
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From now on I'll wait till the birth actually happens then ask the question 18 years later.

I saw 'X-Men Origins - Wolverine' over the weekend . It was a good movie. Watching 'Wolverine' was like watching 'Edward Scissorhands on Red Bull' . In fact I heard that when the role of Wolverine was pitched to Hugh Jackman, they explained ,----

" Imagine having the scissors of Johnny Depp dipped into adamantium alloy and then attached to a very angry man who heals well and has an affinity for muscle t-shirts and motorcycles."

Superhero movies are great and contain valuable lessons that I have learned when it comes to dealings with my fellow humans. For example, let's consider how one deals with brilliant scientists for a moment.

Every superhero movie has that one scene where the 'brilliant scientist' is confronted by the Military General who is somewhat dissapointed in the results of the scientists' experiments. The General who, alone in the lab with the scientist(bad move), inevitably has the following conversation ----

Military General--" That's enough !! We've given you ample time to perfect the super soldier elixer...and look what happens.....DISASTER !!! ...... You're finished[ insert name] ! ...I'm cutting off all funding for this program.

Scientist --" No please [ insert name] !! I need more time !!...... I just need the final catalyst and the serum will be complete !!....... C'mon [insert name]....we made a deal !"

Military General-- "No !!!!---- I'M SHUTTING YOU DOWN !!!"

We all know what usually happens after that. ...That's correct, the scientists pushes the General into a vat of boiling acid that happens to be there for such occasions. He then injects the 'yet unfinished serum that's not quite done ' into himself..... and turns into a mad scientist with super strength etc..etc...

Lesson learned ---- Never announce that you're pulling the plug on scientific research IN FRONT OF THE BRILLIANT SCIENTIST ! ...... Simply cancel the direct deposit at a safe distance.

With the economy tanking the way it is, it was refreshing to hear an inspirational story of courage and calm amidst extraordinary circumstances.

I'm referring to the miracle landing of US Airway 1549 on the Hudson river. Captain 'Sully' in heroic fashion saved all 155 members aboard the ill fated flight.

Much has been written about how this former fighter pilot displayed iron will along with ice cool composure while undertaking the incredible task of setting down tons of hardware and valuable lives precariously in the Hudson River.

While I'd love nothing more than to see heroes remain heroes, and while I'm more than willing to see Captain 'Sullys' story grow into a legend for the ages, I was able to obtain a rare photo of Mr. Sully moments after realizing that he was piloting a dead stick. What I'm about to show you took place in between the time he realized the problem and executed the solution. There was a 2 minute section of the flight recorder that was unaccounted for, a period of time that tertiary reports suggest he went to the rest room.

Here's the photo........ you make your own conclusions :
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http://www.gostandup.com

This is a brief observation.

Tuesday night was a historic night not because it showcased the first African-American to be elected as President, but because of the ridiculous behavior of Oprah Winfrey. She was leaning on some guy while Stedman,her loyal boyfriend, stood only inches a way.

That raised a few questions, but the burning question on my mind was : How did this unknown man develop such powerful shoulders ? With an Oprah on one's shoulder.....one can ONLY lean left !!!

What about Stedman ? ..... How do you think he felt about this betrayal ? The video footage was quite interesting. Behold :

The camera doesn't reveal everything. I was able to obtain a photo of the very same scene, this time just a mere 8 inches higher. Behold :

The thought bubble and comment were added by Jessie Jackson.

http://www.gostandup.com

I hate to do this but I feel compelled to make some observations on this crazy presidential race.

(THE UNCANNY COMIC IS NEUTRAL TO ANY AND ALL POLITICAL MATTERS AND SO IS ABLE TO STAND OUTSIDE THE REALM OF THE POLITICAL ARENA, AND WITH HIS UNCANNY COMEDIC VISION, ........ uh....poke fun.)

Last week was the Democratic National Convention, an event that had less total brain activity than 'Night of the Living Dead'.

We saw Ded...(err)... Ted Kennedy give a speech, Hillary pontificate, Al Gore exhale greenhouse gases and Bill Clinton hand the baton off to Obama........ one former black president to another potential black president.

Hillary was amazing... considering she had the weight of 18 million women on her mind.

Bill had 18 million women on his mind also. .....Unfortunately, they were a completely different looking 18 million women.

The entire event, which was a smashing success, was finally capped off with a moving speech by Obama. Over 30 million viewers tuned in to the spectacle. The momentum shift of positive public opinion was clearly heading towards Obama.........until

in a brilliant stroke of genius ,McCain punctures the air out of the whole Obama Hindenburg and announces the very next day that he has chosen a female V.P. ........ Sarah Palin.

According to sources deep inside the McCain camp, the decision to select her was an intense and agonizing decision. ...... McCain said something like this,

" Quick , we need a black person on this ticket !!!! ....... No, no... that'll look too obvious !! .... Hey staff , get out your U.M.B's ( Undervalued Minority Brochures), find me an equivalent under- appreciated minority that'll offset the impact of a tall skinny good looking African American !! ....... What ?!! .. you found a tribe of freckled Navajo indians ?!

"...... NO..that's just ridiculous !!.... What else ?!.... A 600 pound anorexic ?! ..... "

"NO....too specific !! ....... "

"Excellent ... a woman !! ....... Someone fetch me a detailed report of all the qualified republican woman who can fill the position of the 2nd highest office in the free world !! .... Wow Dick Morris, that was fast ! .... Let me see the document !!"

"This is more than ever asked.. THANKS !!!"

"I'll take 2nd row, 3rd from the left."

Obama now sensing that this recent maneuver by McCain will turn the tides of public opinion, does what only he can. .... He summons the natural forces of the planet, and with his hand outstretched.......

gathers the winds from the 4 corners of the earth into .....HURRICANE GUSTOV!!!..... timing it perfectly to land at the exact location where the Bush administration dropped the ball ... New Orleans, AND at the beginning of the RNC .... ........ In one fell swoop reminding the nation of Bush's gross failure while taking the national spotlight away from the RNC festivities !

But wait !! ...This is not over !! McCain is ticked!!

McCain in a risky maneuver plans to give his acceptance at New Orleans, and has built a specially designed floating stage to do so. .... He said ," I will follow this hurricane to the gates of hell if necessary !!"

http://www.gostandup.com

The Nathan's Hot dog Eating Competition was one thing. The 2008 Beijing Olympics was quite another.

I was impressed by the opening ceremonies. The precision, the unity,the synchronization........ It was the most horrific thing I ever saw. The combination of spectacular beauty and military style discipline was a little disturbing. It was like looking at a parade of gay perfectionists.......whatever that means.

Like many things in life, things aren't what they appear to be. ..Much to my chagrin, it was brought to my attention that the whole event was enhanced and manipulated digitally.

In other words ...this

was really ...this:

My uneasy feeling that any participant in the choreographed affair who made the slightest error was punished with the greatest severity, was confirmed when I learned that this sweet little girl :

who stepped 3 and a half inches out of line, was later seen here :

....doing hard time.

This however is not the real reason why I'm blogging today. I have thoughts on Michael Phelps.

His performance during the swimming events was quite amazing! I've never seen a swimming machine quite like that before........... that is until .....................

until I heard about his unusual physique. I heard that his 6' 7" wingspan is longer than his 6'4" height. He has disproportionately short legs, size 14 feet and double-jointed ankles...... basically a stingray with huge ears. ......

I'm not AS impressed now! I don't think anyone would have a chance racing against someone that looks like this :

Today I took a break from the 'physical fitness' pursuit. ..... I decided that I needed to view people who lived on the other end of a healthy lifestyle.......... I watched live footage of the 2008 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition.

These are a bunch of folks who decided that not only are they going to embrace a diet rich in carbs and saturated fats, ........ but will in fact make a sport out of it. After all, why be a healthy nobody when you can be a famous food eating fiend, a pie eating professor, a dog eating 'Don', a gastrointestinal genius?!

That being said, this year's competition had all the drama and intrigue of any great sporting event ! ...The defending champion Joey Chestnut versus Takeru Kobayashi.

For nearly 6 years the mere 110lb. Kobayashi absolutely owned the event , eating 50 to 60 hot dogs in 12 minutes... an accomplishment that Oprah has called ....... "just an ordinary brunch for me!" ..... Although when Oprah does it, her buns are 3 times the size. ........ You can interpret that ANY way you want.

The event lived up to all the the hype. .... It was virtually neck and neck all the way to the end, even going in to overtime. ......

Joey Chestnut prevailed---- 59 hot dogs in regulation and 5 dogs in OT.
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( It's strange how they call the initial 10 minute period ...'REGULATION'...... Why one would call 10 minutes of wanton , meat squirting, bread and saliva oozing, flotsam and jetsam squirting, gluttony, 'REGULATION' is beyond me.)

The post game interviews were quite interesting. It went something like this :

Reporter : So Kobayashi, what went wrong ?

Kobayashi :

Reporter : Joey, Take us moment by moment, second by second through your incredible performance.

Joey :



I think next year I will enter the 2009 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition. Let me go practice:

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Since the whole ' I'll work out at the gym ' idea didn't work, I decided to get a home gym.

I bought as my first item ..'The Gazelle'... from some guy named Tony Little.

That was a huge mistake ! ........ This was not the calorie burning machine that I expected. It was more like a leg swing,...... a thigh hammock, .... a 'restless leg syndrome' come to life.

Winking burned more calories that this piece of junk ! ..... I tried to figure out what this machine prepared me for in a real life situation. .. For example the 'heavy bag' trains one to defend oneself. ... The ' row machine ' trains one to escape an assailant much more quickly in a row boat. .... The 'bench press' prepares one to lift a Geo Metro and change the tire.

.. All those are no brainers !! ..........What does 'The Gazelle' train one for ???

That's it !!...... Fleeing from Stephen Hawking in zero gravity!!!

Needless to say I returned 'The Gazelle'.

On my way home, I dangled my arms out of my car window while going 60...

After all, who needs 'The Gazelle' when you can get the same workout.

When you live in an Italian family, one must out of necessity engage in some type of physical activity, exercise to counteract the prodigious caloric intake. ..... Last week I joined a health club. It was an experience I'll never forget. ....................................................................................................

My first day, I walk in and this neckless 5 foot 2 guy walks up to me

and the following conversation ensued :

necklessmuscleguy : "Hey, what are you workin' on?"

me : "My low self-esteem . I'm hoping that big muscles will compensate for my weak mind and poor self image. My goal is to develop the same body dysmorphic disorder as you clearly have. ......................................... What are you workin' on ?"

necklessmuscleguy :" Wha..??"

(We walked over to the bench)

necklessmuscleguy : " Can you spot me ?"

me : " Sure, how can I miss a roided up acne stricken sweat ball like you?!"

necklessmuscleguy :" Wha..??"

( 10 minutes later )

necklessmuscleguy : " Hey, what does dysmorphic mean ?"

me :" Dere's more fake jewelry in the malls than one would realize."

necklessmuscleguy : " Oh ...... so how did you get those huge calves?"

me : " Easy ! ..... Running away from men who stare at my legs !!"

I walked up to her, looked her dead in the eye and said, " Stop !!!!" ...... Later that evening she gave me 4 spoonfuls of baked Ziti too much. .... I knew I was on to something. Normally she pounds out 7 to 8 extra servings. ......... I caught her early, but not early enough.
I experimented. The next evening, as soon as she said ," Time a too a eata !".... I said, "Stop !!!!" ........... She gave me 2 spoonfuls too much. The following morning I woke up at 4 a.m. ,walked into her bedroom, woke her up and yelled, "Stop !!!!".

...... That evening she served me the correct amount of Ziti. .......... She then gave me 47 meatballs! ..... SHE'S NOT FROM THIS WORLD!!!!

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This is why I need to get rid of weight. ......... Did you notice I didn't say ...'lose weight'?..... I never understood why people say they want to 'lose weight'. Usually when we lose stuff, we want to find it again. People who experience weight loss hate me because I take them for their word. ....The other day this lady said to me, " Hey Uncanny Comic, I just lost 50 pounds! What do you think about that ?!" ..... I said, " why don't you just go to Krispy Kremes. Maybe they'll reimburse you !". ............ It worked. She never lost weight again.

I was only moderately hungry, certainly not up to the daunting task of shoving huge quantities of pasta down my throat. So I needed to plan my next moves very carefully...... This woman was good! She was a food serving god who had decades of experience. She was highly skilled at turning mortal men into morbidly obese dough boys. ............ It was amazing to watch her serve food. ....... Usually the term 'Zone' applies to elite athletes, but grandma often entered the zone when it came to meal serving. ...The other day I swear I could see her tongue hanging out as she served my uncle Tony. .............................................................................................................................................
( Every Italian family has an uncle Tony or Antony. It's predetermined. Every fifth Italian pregnancy yields a Tony. Italians have x chromosomes, y chromosomes, and forgetaboutit chromosomes. You know when an Italian woman is pregnant with a Tony.... she craves fuzzy dice ice cream.)
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Her tongue hung out like Michael Jordan during one his 50 pt. performances when he was in that zone.

Today we were all in the den watching TV. We were watching Animal Planet's "When Elephants Attack !" As I'm sitting there I can smell the spectacular aromas radiating from the kitchen. This was going to be yet another food filled frenzy of over sized portions that any glutton would be proud of. As I'm sitting there, I'm staring at my grandma trying to figure her out. What's wrong with this woman ?Why does she over serve food with such wanton disregard ? Was it her hearing ? Was her head misshapened due to some brain defect that controls hand eye function ? Nothing ! I found no anomaly in her whatsoever, except for a few excessive hairs on her upper lip. Well maybe it was more than just a few hairs. Okay, it was a mustache ! Other than that, everything checked out normal.

"What do you think about the show Grandma?

" I hate it !"

"Why ?"

" Poora elephants, they needa to leave the elephants alone."

" What do you mean poor elephants ? They're attacking people !"

" That'sa because they're hungry ! Look at them ! Looka at how skinny they are... They need a gooda meal !

It was then that I figured her out. If she thinks elephants need to gain weight, she must think that hippos are anorexic. What would happen if she saw Paris Hilton ? She might use her as a razor to shave her hairy legs. ( I forgot, along with the mustache she had so much hair on her legs that she had to relax them into gerry curls in order to cut them.)

I have no chance.
She turned off the TV, stood in the middle of the den, and said with her game face, " Time a too a eata !".

I'm going to visit my Italian grandma today. I'm looking forward to the great 20 course banquet she always prepares.

She calls it brunch. She has an obtuse perception of food............ I once showed her a foot long sub..................... She stuck a toothpick in it and called it a finger sandwich.......................
Going over her house is always stressful because of the huge portions she dishes out. She has what I call "heavy hands". Every time she dishes out some bake ziti onto my plate she says." Tell me when to stop."............ Whenever I say ," Stop.", she continues to dish out 7 to 8 more spoonfuls............... Why does she even ask me ? It's as though she's merely asking for a suggestion. She should just ask, " Tell me when I'll stop whenever the hell I wanna stop !!!" .............How do I get this woman to quit dishing out ziti in time ? .................When she says,"Tell me when to stop.", should I back hand her and say, " Stop!!"?.....I tried that once. .......... To this day I'm finding baked ziti in some strange ...and wonderful places on my body.....

Again, the question---
How early do I need tell her to "Stop" ?.................... That's the burning question that I will tackle during my week long visit with "the heavy handed Italian grandma with the uncontrollable serving response".